The depth of the dying flower.

So, I killed my room plant. And I am going to be so ‘cringy’ right now and talk about the deeper meaning for me behind this….

Firstly, I was gutted, really gutted. It was a birthday present from a really good friend who had thoughtfully chosen it for me. It had the potential to turn into a beautiful purple plant. She knew I would absolutely love it.

I am so disappointed.

Secondly, I realised I haven’t ever kept a house plant alive (long term anyway). I have either under watered or over watered. The story of my life, either an over giver (to my detriment in my past) and, a previous, sometimes current feeling, of being too much or not enough.

 All this from trying to nurture a plant, right?

Then came the irony that I am a born nurturer and could not keep the plant nurtured. I am smiling as I am writing this, as it seems so weirdly deep and so sadly true. The plant has been so significant this week. I told a  friend it had died. I knew he would listen without judgement, whilst adding a little humour into the mix. 

I was aware I was being really boring talking about my plant, but a better feeling was, that I was able to offer myself self-acceptance of my ‘boring ness,’ whilst also trusting the friend would still like me, despite of it ( thanks mate!)

He is a fellow counsellor so made a joke that he could offer me grief counselling. I nearly took him up on the offer.

I am always impressed with others’ ability to grow indoor plants, it takes dedication, time, and care. If you have done this, I respect you. You should be proud of your hard work.

Yesterday, I left the plant in the sun hoping to revive it, but soon realised it was gone.

It was over….

Some things just cannot be brought back or repaired even if we want them to. It is really sad, and a deeper reminder that ‘real life grief’ never really ends. We live with it, whilst continuing to feel pain throughout various times in our lives. 

On a different note, it is also a reminder that although we must grieve or let things go sometimes, some things (not plants) can be repaired, if two people want it enough. Repair in relationships can happen, and conflict and then repair is fundamental to building trusting relationships.

Thank you to anyone in my life that has stuck around, despite any ruptures. 

If you have read this far, bear with me because I am about to go even deeper. Happy for those that are not interested, to leave now whilst you can…

So, writing this blog is also quite triggering, will people read it, will they understand me and all the deeper meanings, whilst also seeing its ‘tongue in cheek’. The truth is, the ‘plant saga’ has inspired me to write and be creative again, which personally feels great. 

But, because I am a complex being, it also brings out that very human fear of being vulnerable, by putting myself out there and risking being seen and judged. Yes, we all still feel this at times, despite being a therapist who has had years of personal therapy and personal ‘growth.’ Oh, another pun there……

Last week, I briefly doubted myself and imposter syndrome crept in. I soon realised that those that stay in my life, personally or professionally do so, because they want to. They are gaining something from it and there is a mutual respect and acceptance. 

I am going to continue to be my authentic self, to see who’s in it for the ride, whilst also reminding myself and others, that we won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, or the perfect ‘house plant,’  and although that’s sometimes really hard, it really will be ok.

One last thing, my friend actually bought me two plants, the other one is green and doing ok ish so far.

 Mostly, there is still hope, even when it feels like we are lost..

 A chance to turn things around or try again tomorrow. 

 © Written by Vicki iliffe